NC State Wolfpack

'Tis the season for road rage at the mall parking lots, maxed out credit cards and blockbuster movie releases. I see that the obligatory Tom Hanks Christmas release is out, meaning there's a slight chance I could shell out my life savings to take in a movie over the holidays.

Come to think of it, maybe I won't go to the movies to satisfy my thurst for drama and suspense. It appears that NC State Athletics Director Les Robinson is taking care of that all by himself. His search for a new football coach is turning into a real thriller. And the covert nature of the process puts even Agatha Christi to shame.

The need for confidentiality is obvious. More than likely, Robinson has been talking to coaches who are involved with teams that are preparing for bowl games. Those coaches, whoever they are, don't need rumors swirling around their heads while they're trying to keep their respective teams focused on the task at hand.

Robinson's undercover methods are obviously driving some of my colleagues in the media crazy. And let's face it, the internet chat lines are full of rumor and innuendo. Some of the coaches that have been mentioned as candidates are six feet under, and have been for years.

In order to preserve some semblance of sanity, I have chosen to avoid all of the speculation. However, that doesn't preclude me from using the process of elimination method. I have come up with a list of people who will not be roaming the NC State sidelines next season.

Joe Gibbs-the former hall of fame coach of the Washington Redskins has given up coaching to become a successful NASCAR Winston Cup team owner. Luring him back to football would be expensive. Gibbs probably doesn't remember how to design a blocking scheme for a trap play, but he can give you long dissertations about rear spoiler angles.

Mike Ditka-Now here's a guy who's done an effective job of maintaining a long, losing tradition in New Orleans. He won't be at NC State next year, but he really does need to look into college coaching. It's impossible to dismantle a college team's future by trading away draft picks.

Roman Gabriel-The fact that he's one of the greatest players in NC State history doesn't necessarily make him a strong candidate. Gabriel's last coaching stint with the World League's Raleigh-Durham Skyhawks produced an 0-10 record.

Bobby Bowden-The Florida State coach has decided to stay in Tallahassee, but only because he loves boiled peanuts.

Lee Corso-The ESPN pre-game host never stops demonstrating why he was such a poor coach.

Dick Crum-The former North Carolina coach would be taking a pay cut by accepting the NC State job. The Rams Club buyout of 12-years ago has helped Crum purchase a lot of fishing rods.

There you have it-a totally meaningless exercise that has produced no answers. Here's some advice: Don't spend the entire holiday season trying to figure out who NC State's next coach will be. It's simply not worth it. After all, the new coach probably won't be here until next century.